Wingman

The following screenplay was written for a high school drama competition in the fall of 2018. It entered as an original comedic ensemble and charmed adults and teenagers alike.

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SCENE ONE

(Scene is set in a living room. Set is bare except for a couch center stage facing the audience. Couch should have room enough for two. MARCUS is sitting on the floor in front of the couch pantomiming playing video games while LUKE anxiously paces the floor behind the couch.)

LUKE: Marcus. (pause) Marcus, I need you tonight. (pause again while he waits for a response. MARCUS ignores him.) Lizzie is like . . . (struggling to find words) totally smoking hot! You know how long I’ve been asking her out?

MARCUS: (sarcastic) And she finally said yes? So of the dozens of greasy jocks and Meathead Captains she’s been messing around with all these years, she finally picked you? How flattering.

LUKE: I’m thinking of this as a win, okay? (moving around to DR diagonal to the imaginary television.) It’s not just gonna be her. Lizzie didn’t want to come alone, so I’m having two girls over tonight. This is a big deal!

MARCUS: Sounds like you can handle it. What do you need me for?

LUKE: If you would put that game down for two minutes I’ll explain. (MARCUS sets the video game down and gives his brother full attention. LUKE sits on the couch.) I can’t have both girls. I mean, not at the same time. The thing is, the friend Lizzie is bringing is kind of a second option for me. So, in case Lizzie isn’t interested in me, I can have the other girl. (MARCUS looks at him dumbfounded.) Okay it sounds really bad when I say it out loud, but I promise this everybody wins!

MARCUS: I don’t see how that’s gonna happen. You need me to cushion the blow from whoever feels like the third wheel? (LUKE shrugs and nods.) And depending on how the night goes, I have the privilege of trying to distract the reject-girl from her friend sucking faces with you?

LUKE: You’re making this sound like I’m some jerk or something. The way I see it, you’d be like my wingman!

MARCUS: I really don’t want to take your sloppy seconds, but thanks. Nobody you’ve brought to the house has or ever will be interested in me, so can we drop it?

LUKE: Come on, Marcus! We’re brothers! We do these things for each other.

MARCUS: Yup, you’re right. We are brothers. But conveniently, we’re only brothers when you need something from me. 

LUKE: Marcus.

MARCUS: Plus tonight is no good. I’ve got my cyber-chess tournament. No-can-do.

LUKE: You can take a night off! When was the last time you hung out with friends? Real live people in the three-dimensional world! 

MARCUS: Shut up, Luke.

LUKE: Good! Glad we’re in agreement. Now when the girls get here I’ll move in on Lizzie first while you talk to her friend. That way you can (MARCUS: No!) get to know her. What is the big deal?

MARCUS: Have you seen the girls Lizzie hangs out with?

LUKE: I’m starting to think you haven’t.

MARCUS: (gets up off the floor) They’re gorgeous. They’re rich and beautiful. They’ve got huge (pantomimes grabbing large breasts on himself) personalities! I feel like if my acne medication was working, then maybe, but I also ate cheese today and . . . you know what happens when I eat a lot of cheese, Luke.

LUKE: You’re really letting me down, Marc.

MARCUS: I don’t know what else to tell you. I’m not doing it.

LUKE: (pause) What if I told you Lizzie is bringing Elena?

MARCUS: Elena?

LUKE: Does that change anything?

MARCUS: (lying) No. . . 

LUKE: I know you have the hots for her. You check her out in chemistry class all the time.

MARCUS: You don’t know that! 

LUKE: I’ve seen the pictures you have of her from chemistry.

MARCUS: (embarrassed, but trying to downplay it.) Psssh! Yeah, so? It’s not like I’m a creeper or anything because (under his breath) she doesn’t know about that. 

 LUKE: What if she did? What if Elena saw the pictures you had of her I developed here (pulls out envelope) in this envelope?

MARCUS: You wouldn’t.

LUKE: Oh, wouldn’t I? (browsing through pictures) Wow! The zoom on your camera is fantastic! 

MARCUS: Luke! (MARCUS runs at LUKE who flips over the edge of the couch onto the floor. LUKE stands up and holds the envelope high above his head while MARCUS flails his arms to grab it.)

LUKE: She’s a cute little chemist, isn’t she?

MARCUS: Give those back!

LUKE: You like a sexy little scientist? (MARCUS jumps on LUKE and knocks him to the ground. Pictures scatter across the floor. There is a knock on the door and both boys freeze.)

ELENA: (voice heard from offstage) Hello? Luke?

LUKE: They’re here. (door knock is heard again. The boys whisper to each other.)

MARCUS: Alright!

LUKE: Alright, what?

MARCUS: Alright, I’ll be your stupid wingman! (scrambling to hide the pictures under the couch) Just please don’t let Elena know about the pictures.

LUKE: Do I have your word?

MARCUS: Do I have your’s?

LUKE: Yes. (They lock eyes, shake hands, and LUKE pinches his brother in the ribs. There is a brief scuffle before the boys go to answer the door.)

ELENA: Is anybody home?

LUKE: I’m coming! (LUKE opens the door UL where ELENA enters. Drastic tone switches from panicked to charming.) Hey, girl.

ELENA: Hi, Luke. Can I come in?

LUKE: Please.

ELENA: I hope you don’t mind, I parked behind your car in the driveway. My dad bought me a Mercedes. Isn’t it gorgeous?

(LIZZIE enters UL)

LUKE: (referring to the car) She’s a little hottie, isn’t she?

LIZZIE: (thinking he was referring to her) I prefer not to be judged based on first appearances, but what the hell. Hi, Luke.

LUKE: Lizzie! (goes to kiss her on the cheek. She dodges the smooch and they awkwardly hug.) I’m glad you made it. 

MARCUS: (nervous) Hello, Lizzie. Elena. 

ELENA: Marcus?

LIZZIE: Is this your brother?

LUKE: Who? Oh, yeah. Ladies, this is Marcus. Marcus, ladies.

ELENA: Hi, Marcus.

MARCUS: (voice crack) Hi. (forces deep voice) What’s up?

LIZZIE: Hi, I’m Lizzie.

MARCUS: Lizzie! Right, I’ve heard about you. From Luke mostly. He says all good things! You’d either be offended or flattered by the comments he makes about you—depending what kind of girl you are! (everyone is put off by his joke, especially LIZZIE.) Anyways, I’ll stop talking because that’s what I should do.

LUKE: Ladies, can I get you something to drink? I can order take out too, if anyone is hungry.

LIZZIE: Do you have ginger beer? It’s my favorite.

LUKE: Sure! Ginger beer it is. (goes to exit R)

MARCUS: (catches LUKE leaving and whispers to him) Luke, this was a terrible idea! I can’t do this, I’m going back to my room.

LUKE: No! You have to stay. Look, just relax and be yourself okay? Talk about whatever comes to mind. Whatever’s natural.

MARCUS: Whatever’s natural?

LUKE: Yes!

(LUKE exits)

ELENA: Marcus, aren’t we in the same chemistry class? (she takes off her shoes and pushes them under the couch.)

MARCUS: Are we? You do look a little familiar. 

ELENA: I see you sometimes sitting next to the foreign exchange student.

MARCUS: (nervous) Who, Nicholas? Yeah, we’re buddies. Super tight.

LIZZIE: He’s from Russia, right?

ELENA: I thought he was Egyptian?

MARCUS: He’s from Senegal, actually. (the girls are annoyed at his correction. MARCUS clears his throat, trying to relax and save himself from further embarrassment.) Actually, I’ve been practicing my French with him. That’s their nation’s official language.

ELENA: Really? I took three years of French and still couldn’t translate a thing. 

LIZZIE: Speak a little to us. 

MARCUS: (in an overly dramatic French accent) Donde esta el baño?

LIZZIE & ELENA: Wow! That’s beautiful!

MARCUS: Thank you, it’s nothing really. 

ELENA: What did you say?

MARCUS: Uh, uh . . .

LIZZIE: It doesn’t even matter. That was amazing. 

ELENA: I’ve always wondered what Marcus outside of chemistry class was like. You’re a real charmer, you know that?

MARCUS: Well, thank you. 

(LUKE re-enters)

LUKE: Here’s your ginger beer. (he hands it off to LIZZIE.)

LIZZIE: Marcus, what grade are you in?

MARCUS: I’m in ninth grade. 

LIZZIE & ELENA: (smiling at each other) Ooooh.

LIZZIE: I like freshmen boys. 

ELENA: They’re so much nicer than senior boys.

LIZZIE: So much smarter, too.

ELENA: And sweeter. (leans on MARCUS heavily flirting)

LIZZIE: I’m sick of macho guys. I’ve been dating senior boys since before I was even in high school, and they’re all the same. (mocks LUCAS’S character) Ladies, can I get you anything? Whatever I can do to get myself closer to third base. Up top! (LIZZIE and ELENA high five.)

ELENA: And we’re supposed to swoon for that? I’m telling you, Marcus, you’ve got it going on just the way you are. Own it.

MARCUS: You think so?

LIZZIE: Absolutely! Tell us more about yourself.

MARCUS: (starting to feel among friends) Have you ever read the anime comic series, Galactic Patrol Lensman?

LIZZIE: Anime series?

ELENA: You read, Marcus?

MARCUS: The creative work of E.E. Doc Smith far outweighs the quality of the G.P.L television series. However, if you prefer to binge watch an anime series for the Western palette, might I suggest JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure. It’s one of my favorites.

ELENA: We should watch it sometime. Just the two of us.

LIZZIE: Elena, since when are you into anime?

ELENA: I’m not. But it’s always good to try new things. Step out of your comfort zone, right Marcus? (leaning on him intensely. MARCUS is clearly uncomfortable.)

MARCUS: Right.

LUKE: So, Lizzie. I don’t know if someone’s asked you to prom yet, but if you’re free I’d really like to take you out.

LIZZIE: Aw, that’s sweet. What about you, Marcus? What are your prom plans?

MARCUS: Prom? Oh, nothing. I probably won’t get a date, so it’ll be a regular Fortnite Saturday for me.

LIZZIE: That sounds like the saddest prom plan ever, but you’re honest. I respect that. It’s kinda hot.

MARCUS: You think so?

LIZZIE: Yeah. (LIZZIE moves under MARCUS’s arm. ELENA moves under his other arm.) Marcus, do you watch Dragon Ball Z?

MARCUS: I wouldn’t associate with anyone who doesn’t!

LIZZIE: (flirtatiously laughing) You’re so funny! Isn’t he funny, Luke?

LUKE: I wouldn’t know. This is the most I’ve heard him speak since he hit puberty.

ELENA: Be nice to your brother! If I had a younger brother as sweet and interesting as Marcus I’d spend all my time with him.

MARCUS: Elena has a point, Luke. We’re not as close as we used to be.

LUKE: Well, it’s not like we have much in common.

LIZZIE: You should spend more time with your brother, Luke. He’s really not that bad once you get to know him.

MARCUS: You guys really don’t like any of the senior boys? 

LIZZIE: It’s not that we don’t like them. It’s just–

ELENA: We’ve been played by them one too many times.

LIZZIE: Exactly. There’s something so refreshing about you, Marcus.

ELENA: You really aren’t like the rest of them. 

LUKE: What about me? I’m sitting right here, and you’re gonna wad me in with the rest of those shallow jerks? Lizzie, if anyone did anything wrong to you, I apologize on their behalf. You never deserved to be treated with disrespect. I want to show you how someone should treat you because I’ve been trying to ask you out for years! (silence hangs in the room)

LIZZIE: I know.

LUKE: You know? What do you mean?

LIZZIE: I mean a lot of guys have been trying to ask me out for years. I’m not oblivious to it. It’s so easy to tell that you’re into me by the way you look at me when your friends are around, the way you talk to me after gym class. The truth is I’m not interested in dating you because I’ve already dated a dozen guys just like you! 

ELENA: Marcus, my back is sore. Would you massage it for me?

MARCUS: Uh, uh, uh, sure. (ELENA sits on MARCUS’S lap. He awkwardly prods her shoulders with his fingertips.)

LUKE: Then why did you agree to come over tonight?

LIZZIE: Well, Elena thought she might be into you. 

ELENA: Oh yeah. That’s the spot. Ooh, yeah right there.

LIZZIE: Guess I was wrong.

ELENA: Wow, you’re so good at that. 

LUKE: So my kid brother gets both the girls I was after? Great.

LIZZIE: Wait, wait, wait! You were after both of us?

LUKE: What, no. Did I say that? 

ELENA: Marcus, would you massage my lower back?

MARCUS: I really don’t think that’s a good idea.

ELENA: Oh, come on now. (ELENA forces his hands to her over-arched lower back while dramatically moaning. MARCUS is paralyzed with fear.) Ooh that feels good.

LIZZIE: See, Luke, that’s why we would never work. You think you want to know me, but you don’t. You think you’re some special, unique character, but you’re not!

LUKE: Then explain to me what makes Marcus a special and unique character? What does he have that I don’t? (LUKE & LIZZIE look back at MARCUS giving ELENA an incredibly awkward massage that ELENA is enjoying too much.)

ELENA: My lower back has really been killing me. My hips, too. 

MARCUS: (throws ELENA off his lap in a panic.) OKAY I think that’s enough!

ELENA: What’s wrong?

MARCUS: Everybody out!

LIZZIE: Wait what happened?

LUKE: (chuckling) Yeah, Marcus, what’s wrong?

MARCUS: I’ll be in my room. (rushes off stage R.)

LIZZIE: What was that about?

LUKE: I’d hate to embarrass him more, so let’s leave it at the physical manifestation of what makes Marcus such a special and unique character.

ELENA: I could feel it… on my thigh.

LIZZIE: Somebody should check on him.

ELENA: Oh! Please let it be me.

LUKE: I can’t believe this. You killed my wingman! (runs off stage after MARCUS.)

LIZZIE: Maybe we should leave.

ELENA: I hope Marcus is okay. I still think he’s adorable! And I can’t say that wasn’t the first time that’s happened to me.

LIZZIE: Come on, Elena, let’s go.

ELENA: Okay one second. I have to find my shoes. (she rummages under the couch for her shoes and finds dozens of scattered photographs of herself.) Lizzie, come check these out. (they look through the pictures together.)

LIZZIE: Oh… my… god. That is so… 

LIZZIE: Repulsive. ELENA: Hot.

LIZZIE: Hot?

ELENA: Well, yeah! These are very flattering angles of me.

END SCENE